Bathroom Humor
by VagabondAngel94
Summary: What happens when America and England get trapped in a bathroom at a party at France's house. Rated M. UkUs UsUk


Bathroom Humor

**Authors Notes:**** I own nothing. I've been wanting to write this for a long time, so I hope you enjoy this :)**

England had no idea why he had agreed to go to a party at France's house. The house was full of drunk nations and quite a few French people that were friends with France. After uncomfortably rubbing against some of the nations, not to mention being grinded on by a very drunk Latvia, England finally reached his destination. The bathroom. The bathroom was were he would hide out until some of the madness died down and he could go home.

Entering the bathroom without knocking, the Brit closed the door behind him making sure to lock it tightly. Turning around he was met with the shock of a very flushed, and quite annoyed America sitting on the toilet. It's a classy sight isn't it?

"Um... ocupado dude!" he sputtered feeling extremely uncomfortable seeing as he was sitting on the toilet instead of standing up, and was also sick in a very disgusting way.

Upon seeing the American in such a delicate situation, the Brit turned around and casually plugged his nose. "I'm terribly sorry America, it was rude of me not to knock. Um... is there something I can get for you when I go back outside?"

"No, thanks though..."

England laid his hand on the door knob and made to turn it only to find that it was stuck in one place. Pulling on the knob with all his might, England gasped at the strength of the dainty looking French door. "Um, America... The door's stuck..."

America's eyes widened in hearing the Brit's words. "England... that door can't be stuck! I'm having a major issue with my bowels right now and... lets just say we don't need to experience this together, man!"

"You think I want to sit hear and watch you take a shit America? What am I suppose to do about this?"

"Dude, I'm _sick_... I'm not just making a regular visit to the porcelain thrown, I-"

"You have diarrhea don't you?" the Brit said bluntly trying to spare the both of them the awkwardness of that conversation.

America blushed at the bluntness of the statement and looked away from England. "Can you just bang on the door or something? It's becoming very painful to hold it."

Blushing himself at the America's predicament and the fact that America has the smoothest, creamiest, thighs he's ever seen in his life, England began to bang on the bathroom door and scream for help. "Hello? Please get let me out of here! Don't leave me in here with this idiot! Hell- America this isn't working!" he said turning to his former colony.

Legs shaking, fingers twitching, America frowned at the Brit. "I'm in so much pain!"

England looked into America's pain filled eyes and bit his lip. It pained him to see the honey blonde in so much pain and even if this was the most embarrassing thing they'd both experience, England didn't intend to let America suffer this way just because it made him uncomfortable for a few minutes. He knew what it was like to be on the other side of that green face.

"J-Just let it out baby..." England whispered in a gentle voice.

His eye twitching slightly, America cocked his head to the side as if England had told him to lick his own ear. "What? Iggy, I just can't go with you in here! Think of the _noises_,think of the _smell_! No, I'll just have to hold it until someone finds us! And... did you just call me baby?"

"America your legs are shaking so badly lad, I think you should just swallow your pride and let it go... and n-no it must have been y-your imagination..."

Tomato red, America covered his face with his hands and followed the older nations advice and emptied his sickly bowels into the porcelain seat. The noises and smell made his shoulders tense to up to where they reached his ears. His knees knocked together in surrender. Why did this have to happen? Of all days for me to get sick, England has to get stuck in the bathroom with me! He thought finishing up his... business.

England on the other hand was looking away from America out of complete awkwardness and a little politeness, but after he heard the sounds ceased he turned to look at the flustered American who still had his pants around his ankles. Smiling, England found himself becoming lost in the memory of America's colony days, when he would have to take him to the bathroom because he wasn't old enough to go on his own. Taking a step forward, England grabbed the toilet paper that rested on the bathroom sink and wrapped it around his hand a few times.

Thinking that the Brit was only going to hand him the now folded toilet paper, America held out his hand as if to take it, but was met with England wrapping an arm around his waist. "Raise up your arse America."

America began to choke on his own spit. "What? Dude, I'm a grown ass man, I don't need you to wipe for me!" None the less, America obliged the Brit and raised up his voluptuous behind after flushing the toilet. As England cleaned up the mess on America's arse, the younger nation rested his arms and head over older nations shoulders.

"You're a big boy aren't you America?" England teased smirking as he folded over the soiled tissue and the continued his cleaning to make sure he had cleaned all of it off.

Completely oblivious to the fact that England was teasing him, America pouted. "That's right, I'm a big boy." Taken off guard by America's statement, England irrupted into laughter as he buried his face into the broad shouldered American to muffle the giggles. "Why _are _you wiping for me anyway?"

Suppressing his giggles, England folded the the toilet paper once more and threw it into the trash can. "Because knowing you, you probably don't even know how to wipe yourself correctly." England lied trying to cover up the fact that he was just suffering from nostalgia.

"Shut up, I know how to wipe my ass, I've been wiping it for over two hundred years!" America yelled standing up, only to be met with England pulling up his underwear and khakis for him. "England, will you please get out of mother hen mode, it's freaking me out dude!" Rolling his eyes, England ceased his fussing after he had successfully buttoned and zipped the American's pants.

Giving the younger nation a slight pat on the butt, England put down the lid of the toilet and had a seat upon it, as America took a seat on the bathroom sink. "So, what did you eat that made you so sick- Hey what are you doing with that burger America?" England screeched as if scolding the ex colony.

Stopping in mid bite, America stared at the Brit as if he'd just asked him how to spell the word 'red', "Um duh, I'm hungry!"

"Dammit America, you just got finished blowing up France's toilet with your sickly waste, which I'm slightly proud of you for doing because the frog deserves it, but now you're going to eat more just so you can get sick again? Honestly you're just going to get fatter and fatter until you explode!"

Both America's eyes and his Nantucket drooped sadly at England's judgments. "I haven't eaten in four hours Iggy..."

The Brit couldn't believe what he was hearing. "That's all? Four hours! America the rest of us can go for a lot longer than that without stuffing our faces."

"But if I don't eat every four hours I get all shaky and nervous and my vision gets super blurry..." America whined as unwanted tears started to make their way down his Kewpie face.

Feeling his chest tighten with guilt, England stared at the younger boy with worry and sympathy. "Oh lad... I didn't know, go on and eat, don't listen to what I said... I'm just angry because we're trapped in here."

"No, I don't want to now..."

England stood up from his seat on the toilet lid, and made his way over to the sorrowful American. "America, I want you to eat." he said holding the discarded burger up to the American's lips. "The symptoms you described were similar to hypoglycemia America, you have to eat or you'll die! Look at your hands, you're already shaking. Don't let pride ruin your health... America are you listening to me? I'm going to shove it down your bloody throat if you don't eat it!"

America puffed out his cheeks cutely. "You called me fat... I don't want it now..."

England began to feel even more guilt shower over him. He hadn't meant to make America feel insecure about his appearance, he was actually quite the chubby chaser when it came to sexual relationships and he found the few extra pounds America had put on lately quite a turn on.

"Please poppet, if you want to stay healthy and strong you'll eat this burger. If you don't you'll end up like that cheesy monkey France!"

That was enough to make America grab the burger and begin nibbling on it and start making the most adorable sounds. Like hell he was going to end up like France, he'd rather die of a heart attack before that happened! His eyes were wide and sad only making him look even more baby faced than before. England began to squirm at the sight uncomfortably because the downfall of watching America eat was... it was the most erotic thing in the world to the Brit.

Yes, just watching the American take teasing little bits of the burger and eventually build up to gigantic, choking swallows made the Brit's pants tighter and more constricted. He was both happy and disappointed when America finished off his calorie filled treat.

"So... America what do you want to talk about? We're probably going to be here for a long time so we might as well make the best of it."

"Okay dude... um let's see what we can talk about..." America said putting his finger on his chin in thought. "Hmm... I have a question about your people England..."

Sitting on the rim of the bathtub in front of America, England's ears perked up. America had question about me? Perhaps this will actually be an intelligent conversation, he thought smiling slightly. "Yes, ask me anything, love."

America's friendly smile turned into that of a vixens. "Are the English really as bad in bed as everyone says they are?"

"What the bloody hell kind of question is that? Of course not you wanker, where ever did you hear such a bold faced lie!" he screamed standing up from his seat with angry passion.

"Whoa dude, calm down! I've heard it from like everybody and you got number two in the poll for the worst lovers in the world! Haha, it said you were too lazy!"

"I am not lazy during love making! Oh please, I'd have anyone clawing at my back!"

"Give me a break Iggy! I bet you're a real stick in the mud during sex, you probably only stick to missionary position like a little uptight pilgrim! Anyone you say? I bet you wouldn't even be able to make me cum."

"Oh please, I'd have you calling me 'daddy' by the end of the night!" England screamed without thinking.

Looking away from each other, they blushed at the thought of them intertwined together with America calling England by such a a name. The memory of America's thighs came to mind as England let his mind wander to dirty places. His brain started to develop a fantasy of America lying on the floor of the bathroom and masturbating only for England to see. And all the Brit would do was stroke those creamy thighs. He'd rub them on top, underneath and in between, just enough to drive the younger nation insane. England was becoming painfully hard at the naughty thoughts he was developing about the American.

"So... Um... What's it like?" America suddenly asked not looking at England.

"W-What's, what like?"

"You know... making love..." America was blushing now because the older nations eyes were on him, shock written all over his face.

"A-America stop being silly, you know what it's like..."

America shook his head, too humiliated to actually say it out loud. Twiddling his thumbs, he looked away as if he were a little kid again asking England what a dirty word meant. "S-Sorry I-I wont bring it u-up again."

"No, no lad it's quite all right! I'm just a little surprised that you're a virgin-"

"Don't say it out loud!"

"Why the bloody hell not, just because no one says it doesn't make it any less true!"

"Because someone might hear you!"

Rolling his eyes, England began to ponder over how to answer America's question. He became flustered at the thought of actually explaining the _feeling_. "Well, it's difficult to explain. It really depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of person your partner is..."

Nodding, America left it a that, feeling shameful that he'd even asked the older man such an intimate question. It also didn't help that the Brit had taken to smiling at him in a way that said 'I know you're embarrassed and I think it's cute'. Standing up from his seat on the sink America made his way to sit in the bathtub and pulled the curtain around himself.

"I'm taking a bath, don't look at me or talk..." America whimpered cutely.

As England smirked at the younger countries embarrassment, he began to see America's clothes come flying over the shower curtain until the he threw out his socks. America was fully nude now and the only thing that separated England from that beautiful sight was a thin pink and white shower curtain draped around the bathtub.

He's so adorable when he gets embarrassed, England thought as he heard the water begin to run into the porcelain tub. He looks all flushed and sweet and theres something about his curiosity and virginity that's starting to excite me.

Fantasies began to fill his mind again at the thought of teaching America how to make love. He sighed dreamily and gazed at the offending curtain longingly. Becoming brave he pulled it back to reveal a sad embarrassed nation. Although, that sadness and shame did turn to shock at the intrusion.

"Dude, I'm naked!"

"America~..." he said teasingly, taking a wash cloth into his hand. "Don't be so bashful baby, it's all right to be curious."

"Sh-shut up England, I regret even asking you..."

England felt a slight pang in his chest at America's words but ignored it in favor of the lush look on his ex colony's face. "Oh please talk to me... why don't you tell me about your fantasies, I'm sure I could answer a few questions about them."

"For real England... I'm about to start crying..." the American said truthfully, hoping that the thought of upsetting him would make the Brit back off with his teasing.

Looking into America's eyes, he could see the stress filled little tears gather in the baby blue doe eyes. Guiltily, he looked away becoming both ashamed and confused. I've never seen America so humiliated before... sex must be a very difficult subject for him. I mean it has to be if he's gone this long without even losing his virginity. Hmm... maybe it's some left over fear from the pilgrims, England thought.

England was quickly brought out of his thoughts when he realized that the American was sobbing uncontrollably now. "Hold on poppet, there's no reason to cry! America please stop..." his words trailed off as he grabbed the boys face in between his hands and squished his cheeks together to make them pucker. Forcing his lips upon the American's trembling ones, he began to comfort America in the only what he knew how.

As America continued to sob, the older nation continued to plant sloppy open mouthed kisses on the American's lips. Ceasing his affections for a moment, he grabbed the younger nations shoulders to get his attention. "America... what is it? Am I scaring you?"

"N-n-no... I just always feel like people a-are trying to b-butter me up!" he sobbed as the Brit began to massage his shoulders and rub his chest deliciously. "I feel like n-no one t-t-takes me seriously!"

Upon feeling a strong urge to comfort his former colony, England began to strip off his clothes as quickly as he could. He couldn't deny it any longer, he had wanted America since even before the revolution. Climbing into the bathtub with America, he pushed him down and straddled him wantonly.

America was still whimper a bit, trying to catch his breath when England began kissing his puffy cheeks gently. "Shh... Just lie back my sweet baby, England will take care of you..."

America shuddered but obliged the Brit, letting him spread his thighs and rub them roughly. "Touch yourself America. Come on, do it for me America, just for me."

"With you watching like that?" America was looking every where but England's eyes as the caresses to his thighs intensified. It felt utterly sweet to have the Brits silky hands rubbing his thighs so roughly without shyness or reserve, but America needed just one little push to get him going.

"It's all right love, we'll save that for when you're ready. I did say I would take care of you after all so sit back and relax."

Deciding to go easy on the younger nation and work up to the good stuff with time, England grabbed America's hardened member and began stroking it gently. Moaning, America arched into the Brit's hand and covered his eyes with his arm shyly. Water splashed from side to side as the younger nation began to unconsciously move his hips to get more of the Brit's touch. It wasn't long until he was screaming the England's name as loud as he could and blowing his load all over the older mans face.

"Dude I'm so sorry I couldn't control-"

The older nation smiled and silenced America with a kiss. "It's quite all right, I was young once too."

America visibly relaxed as the older nation cleaned off his face with the warm water of the bathtub. Remember that it takes two to tango, America looked at England with apologetic eyes. "Sorry, I forgot about you."

"No need love... just watching you gave me the release I needed. It's been a long time sense I've done this to someone and I guess I forgot just how erotic it could get just from watching."

"And when it's really erotic you don't here when someone opens the door." they hear a German accent say from the door.

England jumped up and closed the curtain to hide both of their naked bodies from the intruding Prussian and grabbed France's pink feathery bathrobe for America to put on. "Dammit Prussia, ever heard of knocking!"

"Well last week my birdie and I got trapped in here because of France's broken door so I figure since you hadn't come out for a while I figure you were stuck too. Well anyway suck it losers if you're not going to thank me."

"Ugh thank you Prussia." England said face palming.

"Sweet, now I want a thank you from Mrs. Roper." Prussia said referring to the pink, feathery American.

America rolled his eyes. "Thanks I guess..."

With his signature laugh Prussia exited the bathroom, making sure that the door didn't swing back closed. England shook his head as he gathered his clothes. "That douche bag. America put on your clothes love and we'll go back to my house- What the hell?"

America truly looked strange in France's pink, feathery bathrobe and this was the first time England really got a look at him in that ridiculous get up. "Why does France even own this?" America asked taking in off and laying it on the sink.

"I've seen him in some pretty girly clothes in the past so it doesn't really come as a shock to me that he owns that, but seeing it on you would take some time to get used to."

Once they were fully dressed they exited the bathroom only to be met with a lot of nations passed out on the floor, some of them face down. In the end the booze must have got to all of them... or France roofied them, you decide. Stepping over the nations, they exited the French mans house to go back to England's place to have a little fun.

**Okay so the ending with all the nations passed out of the floor was actually something that happened to me. I was the only one at a Halloween party who didn't pass out face down on the floor and I stayed up all night drunk on the couch drinking wine and watching Shakespeare movies on my friends NetFlicks thingy. I cried when Mercutio went into his dream monologue lol. Thanks for reading! **


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